Have you ever wondered how to respond to an argument with your partner? Here are the four things we've all done that can cause our relationship to go up in flames - and I don't mean in a positive way!
Meet the Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Who are these you might ask? They aren't a who but a what.
The Four Horsemen are a concept introduced by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist known for his research on marital stability and relationships.
The Four Horsemen symbolize four negative communication patterns that, if unaddressed, can forecast the end of a relationship.
1. Criticism: This involves making personal attacks or blaming your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. If you notice both you and your partner often criticize each other, don't jump to the conclusion that your relationship is bound to fail. Criticism can lead to more serious issues if it becomes a common occurrence. It can make one person feel attacked, rejected, and hurt, triggering a cycle where criticism increases in frequency and intensity, ultimately leading to contempt.
2. Contempt: Contempt is characterized by feelings of superiority and disrespect towards your partner. It often involves sarcasm, mockery, or disdainful behavior.
Studies indicate that couples who harbor contempt towards each other are prone to experiencing more frequent bouts of infectious illnesses such as colds or the flu, attributed to compromised immune systems. Contempt arises from deep-seated negative perceptions of one's partner, culminating in attacks from a perceived position of superiority.
Crucially, contempt stands out as the primary predictor of divorce.
3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness occurs when one partner responds to criticism with deflection, excuses, or counter-attacks instead of taking responsibility or addressing the underlying issue. When we perceive unfair accusations, we often search for excuses and adopt the role of the innocent victim in hopes that our partner will relent.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the interaction or conversation, shutting down emotionally and refusing to engage. It can make the other partner feel dismissed or ignored. It might take a while for the negativity from the first three horsemen to build up to the point where stonewalling seems like the only way out, but once it does, it can become a habit. Unfortunately, stopping stonewalling isn't easy. It happens when we feel overwhelmed, and sometimes we're not even in the right state to talk things out calmly.
Now what can you do instead?
Works Cited:
Lisitsa, E., Fraser, C., & Benson, K. (2024, March 13). A research-based approach to relationships. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/
Lisitsa, E. (2024, January 23). The gottman four horsemen. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-
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